Change Schools or Teams
There are several possibilities for helping your kids ditch negative peer groups. Sometimes changing schools or teams can be effective. This has proven to be extremely powerful for some kids who have been clients at my Family Achievement Clinic. Most middle schools use a team approach with between two and four teams in a school. Talk to your child's school counselor about the possibility of changing to a different team to get him away from negative peers. This may help your child make new friends, particularly if he has at least one positive friend in a new team. Changing schools or teams works most effectively when negative relationships are just beginning, before your child is overly engaged with the group. It also works best if the negative group doesn't live in your neighborhood.
Prohibit Friendships
Sending a clear message to your child that you wish he not befriend a particular individual or group may make a difference for middle schoolers. You'll need to justify the prohibition by explaining that the other kids' behavior is unacceptable, and you'll permit them to be friends outside of school only if you see a change in the other kids. When both parents agree on that philosophy, your child will likely accept it. When both parents don't agree, don't waste your time prohibiting the friendship. This is an important communication that both parents should talk through carefully.
Develop New Interests
The most positive technique for removing kids from a negative peer group is to get them involved in positive peer experiences, such as fun enrichment programs, special-interest groups, drama, music, sports, Scouts, religious groups, summer programs, camps, or youth travel programs. They may not want to join without their friends, so introducing them to someone who's already part of a group may encourage them. A teacher or group leader may help to facilitate new friendships.
Enter Contests
Encourage your child to enter contests or activities in which he has a chance of winning or receiving an important part. Don't hesitate to talk to a coach or teacher privately about your efforts to reverse your child's negativism. Winning kids are often excluded from peer groups that are negative about school. Winning a speech, music, art, or sports contest often gives status to students and causes them to appear more interesting to positive students. Sometimes a victory is enough to separate a tween from a negative peer group.
Plan an Exciting Family Trip
A family trip is also an option for distracting your wayward child from negativity. Time away from peers in an entirely new environment can channel your child's independence. One-on-one trips with a parent may be effective in reducing tension and enhancing family closeness. A trip with only one parent and one tween may be more productive than if the whole family is present, because the tween will be freed from sibling rivalry issues.
If you introduce any of these courses of action to your children, don't expect them to like it. These options shouldn't be suggested as choices, or your kids surely won't choose them. You can, however, permit or even encourage them to make choices among the options. For example, they can choose between a summer writing or music program, which will hopefully encourage new and positive interests and friendships.
Copyright © 2005 Sylvia Rimm
Reprinted from: Growing Up Too Fast: The Rimm Report on the Secret World of America's Middle Schoolers by Sylvia Rimm, PhD (September 2005; $23.95US/$31.95CAN; 1-57954-709-5) © 2005 Sylvia Rimm. Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. Available wherever books are sold or directly from the publisher by calling (800) 848-4735 or visit their website at www.rodalestore.com
Author
Sylvia Rimm, PhD, is a noted child psychologist who directs Sylvia Rimm's Family Achievement Clinic and is a clinical professor at Case School of Medicine, both in Cleveland. Her books include See Jane Win, a New York Times bestseller, and Rescuing the Emotional Lives of Overweight Children, which was a finalist for the Books for a Better Life Award. A syndicated newspaper columnist and a favorite personality on public radio, Dr. Rimm has also appeared on NBC's 20/20 and The Today Show and MSNBC's Weekend Today. She and her husband reside in Cleveland, Ohio.